Last Sunday was my first Easter as a self-proclaimed Christian and my first experience of that day in the fullness of its meaning. Those who know me well are probably genuinely surprised to hear this from me, but I can assure you, you are not near as surprised as I was to learn of how the power of Christ’s love could transform my spirit and my life.
I thought I was the last person this would ever happen to. For a long time I was even dead-set against it happening. I thought I could never be ‘good enough’ to be a Christian but more than that,
I couldn’t ‘feel it.’ From the time I was a child in church, I had longed to
but never did experience for myself the overwhelming strength of faith I could
see and feel from the hearts of so many. As much as I tried to open myself up,
as much as I tried to believe and to feel what they were feeling; as many times
as I had in earnest begged Christ to take up residence in my heart and give me fullness
of faith, I could not feel it. Eventually I gave up trying.
As an adult I decided I was too intelligent to believe in what
was clearly nonsense to me. I was indignant at Christianity’s exclusivity;
at its claim that “Jesus is the only way”; at its ‘rules’ and structures that
didn’t seem to make sense to my life and that seemed to condemn the life
choices of many. I had a million questions that had never been satisfactorily answered
and a million more reasons to discount Christianity altogether. I thought
I was as far away as a person could possibly be from the Holy Spirit, if there
even was such a thing. I was the last person to expect this transformation. But it happened to me. It happened quite suddenly one Sunday morning as I listened to a church sermon unlike any I had ever heard before. I listened, as a man I had never met spoke the Gospel. And as he did, he described every fine detail of my heart. He described every internal conflict and struggle I had ever had. He narrated every battle I had ever fought. His words were an exact expression of my soul. This man knew me. I could not think of a purely logical explanation for this. I only knew that what he was saying was true. All at once, I felt my spirit move in a way it had never moved before. I felt my spirit be lifted, loved and carried by this ‘Jesus character’ whom I had sworn off a long time ago. I was completely blown away. I knew this moment marked the beginning of something incredible. I knew that my life was just beginning. I was on my way to discovering the truth about Christ. And my heart has not been the same ever since.
Since my coming to faith in Christ about 5 months ago, I have faced many
struggles and challenges to maintaining that faith. I am still the same person
I was before that moment. My personality has not suddenly changed and my weaknesses have not miraculously disappeared. My default setting is still self righteous, indignant,
stubborn and self serving. I still make some of the same mistakes I made before.
What has changed
is my heart. It has found and learned to use Christ's compass. My own devices are guaranteed to sometimes fail me but when they do, I have the greatest and
truest source of strength and righteousness guiding and carrying me. I have only to seek Him and rely on Him to show me
His answer. I have only to tune in. When I feel myself becoming angry, impatient, self-righteous or
stubborn, I have only to lean on Him for patience and strength. When I have
lost control and acted out in anger, impatience, self-righteousness or stubbornness,
I have only to call upon Him to show me my error and point me towards correcting the damage I have done.
I am never disappointed in His results. He has shown me that His word
does not return void.
So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
-Isaiah 55:11
I am not near qualified to speak on the topic of Christianity. I am almost as unqualified to speak on the topic of marriage. I am qualified to speak on these topics only by my experience, and that experience is quite small. But I believe it is important to share what we know: I know that it was His strength and not my own this past Easter afternoon that allowed me to put aside my anger and self-righteousness in order to settle a dispute with my dear husband in a way that ultimately drew us closer.
I would venture to guess that the average marriage sees misunderstandings and conflicts on a regular and continuous basis. If you are like me you have all too often allowed points of dissonance with your spouse to develop into deep seated resentment. If you are like me, you have fed your bitterness and worshipped your pride. You have built up walls made out of your anger. You have been indignant and stubborn and you have operated on the false belief that your spouse is to blame for your unhappiness. You have closed yourself off and become distant and cold. If you are like me, you know exactly where this path leads and what it does to a marriage.
This is the poisonous attitude I have had towards my husband for more than a year. In order to fully understand the source and depth of my bitterness, one would have to know certain particulars about our current situation and married life. But I am not here to make excuses. I want only to take accountability for myself and the ways I have been working against us; to stop focusing on the negative; to stop feeding my bitterness and to appreciate all of the many wonderful traits of my husband. I want only to get us back on track where we need to be.
So what would my first true Easter Day have been without a bout of marital discord to test my faith!?
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
-James 1:2-4
Well I can tell you what my first Easter would have looked like had I not asked myself the most important question: What would Easter Day be without Christ? It is only with His Word and His compass that I have slowly begun to dig myself out of the mess I’ve created in my marriage.
This is the story of my first Easter:
My family spent most of this Easter morning at church. We listened to a powerful sermon delivered by a fantastic pastor. As we have come to expect from him, he did not disappoint us in his poignant and emotional telling of the story of Jesus’ death and resurrection. After the sermon, I took up at the nursery to lend a hand during second service. Then we retired to my aunt’s house for Easter lunch and family fellowship.
As is customary for many families during Easter festivities, sweet snacks and treats were given to our 3 year old son. My husband and I accepted these gifts graciously. But after the Easter baskets and treats had been given and accepted, one additional treat did not go over so well.
As most of our family and friends know, my husband and I are very passionate about providing our son with the most nutritious diet possible. To that end, we tend to be strict about his sugar intake and try to avoid as many food additives and color dyes as possible. We make small exceptions here and there as the occasion calls for it and we are generally in agreement but every now and then we experience a rift in our front. Easter afternoon at my aunt’s house precipitated one such instance.
After lunch was over and all were relaxing and chatting on the lovely patio outside my aunt’s home, my grandmother offered our son some ice cream from the popsicle she was eating. I took no objection to this and gave her permission to give him some more. My husband was not within earshot at the time and did not hear the conversation. Little did I know that my grandmother was going to present my son with his very own ice cream popsicle covered in a shell of chocolate! Oh, the horror!
When I saw our son walk out onto the patio, popsicle in hand, I almost stood up and intervened. This was not the ‘ice cream’ I had given permission for him to have and I was not thrilled at the idea of him having chocolate so close to his nap time. Ultimately, I decided it wasn’t worth griping over so I sat silent and let our son enjoy his popsicle.
Out walks “Daddy” and sees our son with a chocolate-covered ice cream popsicle. My husband looks over at me with a questioning expression and I quickly reply,
“Nana gave it to him. It’s okay.”
I could see my husband's facial expressions shifting between disapproval, confusion and then back to disapproval, which led him to walk over to our son, take the popsicle from his hands and explain to him,
“You need to ask Mommy or Daddy before you have these kinds of treats.”
Of course our son responded with resistance and threw a little fit about it. He is now cranky and inconsolable. The whole 'vibe' on the patio turns sour as onlookers are obviously thinking, "What a spoilsport?" about my husband, and I am obviously angry with him too. It was obviously time to leave.
I was so fuming angry with my husband. Even as we were saying our 'goodbyes' to my family, I'm sure my anger was showing. Our son, who up to that point had behaved perfectly, was still tantrum-ing. All I could think to myself was, "Why the heck would he do that?! We were having a fine time until he had to freak out about one popsicle...and now the kid is cranky as ever..." Sigh...
We were silent as we walked to the car. We spent almost the entire ride home in silence before my husband asked me,
"Are you mad at me?"
I responded, "I don't know."
I really didn't want to be mad at him. It was Easter Day and I really hated the idea of ending our afternoon on such a sour note. But I couldn't think of a reason not to be angry with him. As far as I could see, he had overstepped my authority with our son (I had given permission for the treat), caused an unnecessary 'scene' and he had embarrassed me in front of my family.
My husband explained that he did not mean to overstep my authority. He did not realize I had approved of the treat. Furthermore, he had the impression that I disapproved but was too shy to say anything about it. He felt he was doing me a favor by stepping in and he was confused at why I was so angry with him over this.
This made sense. My husband did not hear me give permission for the treat. And if he truly believed that I wanted to intervene but was feeling too shy to do so, then his actions made sense. As far as he knew, I had only passively approved of it because I was too afraid to speak up. Even in the words and tone I used when I said, "Nana gave it to him. It's okay", I implied that I was upset about it but didn't want to speak up, and shifted the blame onto my grandmother. I could see all the ways I contributed to this miscommunication. So why was I still angry?
That's when it hit me. The thing I was most angry about was that my husband had embarrassed me. I could not yet admit this to myself. Instead I wanted to keep on being angry with him. I wanted for there to be a way that he was still in the 'wrong.' I wanted for the universe to bow down and declare me right! To that end, I thought to myself,
"Well he should know me better! Doesn't he know me well enough to know that I can speak up for myself? Does he really think I am so weak?"
I really wanted this to be his fault. And I would have perseverated on that cause indefinitely until I became tired or bored or in need of some affection from him. That is how this Easter Day would have ended before I had Christ in my heart.
As angry as I was at the realization that maybe my anger with my husband was unjustified and as stubborn as I was against admitting it, I humbled myself and I apologized.
It's not that I have never apologized to my husband. In fact, I apologize to him pretty often. But I came to the realization of my error that day much sooner than I would have typically. And the apology that followed was made in unprecedented love and humility.
It's not that I had never before been aware of my faults. It's not that I had never seen them or understood them. It's not that I never had the ability to control my anger or to see how I have handled certain situations poorly. It's not that I had never understood the power I have to make my own and the lives of other people around me better. It's that I did not have the constant and unending love and guidance of Jesus Christ to power the cause.
It is Christ who has woken me up and inspired me to use myself to my greatest capacity for the benefit of others. Praise Jesus for His life, his purpose and His word that lives on for all of us, forever.
